I know it has been very hard for all of us this year....especially so with all the holidays...
Last week, I came back one night and frantically searched for this song by Bob Carlisle, Butterfly Kisses (the video above). Tears filled my eyes and before I know I started thinking about Jolyn and Jaslyn.....
It saddens me as I know CH would have loved to see them grow up...Up there he will be looking down....every year as they grow up...
Jolyn and Jaslyn - I am putting this video for both of you because though your dad is not here this song epitomises how he feels, I am sure.
I know I've been MIA for some time now! Been having my exams. And... tomorrow (=your today=friday) will be my last one! After which I would have all the time and leisure to upload photos and update my blog. I miss you guys dearly, so it'll be great if we could skype on Saturday. Enjoy your reunion with Jo! :D
This is specially wrote to Mum. I happen to read the past two posts that you had posted. Im really sad to see you so upset. Seriously, you seldom talk to me about what exactly you are feeling inside but im glad you told me everything yesterday. Its true that the ambience was totally different at Grandma's house yesterday. I agree that everyone can actually feel something missing but we all just didnt want to speak our mind as we do not want to make one another sad. Sometimes when we talk, "GUGU" will suddenly just come to our mind. Wanting to talk about him but afraid to create sadness so we chose to keep quiet. Sometimes i find that writing how you feel in this blog is the best way. Maybe you do not want to express your feelings to all of us on Saturday's gathering but writing in this blog may be the best choice for you. Its better than hiding all your feelings inside yourself. I know everyone need to time to get over this, some of us may take a short time, long time or maybe even forever. So mum, don worry. No one is rushing you. Take your time and pleasee cheer up! Your laughter is always the one that make us all laugh together with you on Saturdays :D
Now, to Uncle Raymond: Its going to reach the 9th of the month again. Time passes so quickly. On the coming 9th of December will be the 5th month since you left all of us. Until today, i will still shed tears whenever i listen to your favourite songs, think of you and even when i see pictures of you. Looking at pictures make me remember the past. I realised that i never stepped into your house again after your funeral. I guess i do not dare. Im really afraid. Afraid that when i reach your house, i will just keep on crying. There are really too many memories of you everywhere i go. Going to your house will be worst. I still remember last time, i was not close with you. But because of Alyssa, i suddenly became very close with you. You started talking to me about my school life, bringing me and Alyssa to the temple every Sunday and not long after, you even ask us to go to your house and stay every Friday. Then we will also have breakfast at the so called CENTRAL at your house nearby. Hais.... There are really lots of memories. I spent 15 years of my life with you and it can never be forgotten. Thinking about how i didnt cherish the care and love you gave me make me real guilty. Until today, i really wish i can tell you right infront of you that IM SORRY! Im really sorry. Even though everyone keep telling me that you don blame me anymore because of the previous incident, but im still very guilty. Maybe because you never really told me that you forgive me that's why. I still remember that i promise you i will study very hard and show you my progress report whenever i get it. I promise to take care of my mum and of course of your princesses Jaslyn and Jolyn too. To make myself not feeling so guilty, I am really trying very hard to keep up to my promises. That made me feel better. Even though i improved alot for my End-Of-Year, but im really upset as i could'nt let you see my progress report. I will still continue to strive harder for even better results and i will never forget the promises and everything you have done for me. I love you and i miss you alot Uncle Raymond! Please appear in my dreams to at least let me say Sorry to you :(
With love and misses, Amelia
Y
12:14:00 AM
2 Comments:
Dear Bao2
Reading your blog makes me feel that you have indeed grown up - into someone matured and sensitive.
You are not alone in feeling "guilty" about things done and cannot be undone. But I want you to know that there will always be moments when we feel that we have not done enough or that we have failed - why? cos we are all human! And as we are all relational, especially in a family like ours (big, noisy, very interactive and caring at the same time) there will always be occasions when we are not sensitive or considerate enough.
So please do not feel bad about what had happened....know one thing... gugu has forgiven you which I am sure.... because gugu had known a God who is loving and forgiving towards him. This I know seeing how much peace he had even in his last moments with us all! Oh. how I miss him too.
You know just today at church, I thought of gugu as we were walking around Suntec. I wished that gugu was here in church and how I remembered the very final time he was there. Your mummy and kor kor was also there with him and auntie Linda.
Bao, you know that I also get to feeling guilty and helpless when I saw him in discomfort that day and how I kept asking him to drink the beancurd drink, and how I made him upset. Thank God, he did not drink cos it turn rancid. You know I would be even more guilty if he had drank it. So you see we all have these feelings and its legitimate because we feel and care for someone special in our lives.... and thats our beloved gugu right!
Take comfort, that he had loved us all very very much and we too in return will always love him in our heart and treasure those moments - whether happy or sad ones - the only thing we have of him for now until we see him again!
Just remember his hearts desire for you and be committed to it - that will make gugu so proud of you Bao!
Reading your entry on the Blog really warms my heart. Uncle CH, I am sure, is proud of you. You should be too. All of us are sad because we have lost a brother, an uncle, a father and a husband. What matters most is that he has and will still carry on to touch our lives in many many ways. Don't blame yourself anymore...
You know that he has always wanted you to be good, carry on being so..
SATURDAY GATHERING AT MAMA HOUSE
Today is the first time we are at mum's house after u r gone. The embience is so different without u around. we have lesser people today,(aaron,alyssa,amelia,pam,sam,dan Jackie, Jo Mum and me). yr children n wife r at Genting again,so we would only c them next week. Like usual, we would just sit there n talk, but something seem to b missing? is so quiet and we don't seem to talk alot too. i remember we always have endless things to say, like when u would be back from Thailand,wat we would do when u come back. wat to cook for u and u would also call us n ask if we need anything from there? all these memories flashes thru' my mind. As if it happen yesterday.everyone will b excited when they r told that u r coming back. Though we don't speak about u, but i believe we do missed u. sitting at the dinning table eating, talking in the living room, mum's bed where u always sleep, these are the memories we have now. really wish u r still here. missed yr presence, missed yr voice, missed yr action and lastly MISSED U VERY VERY MUCH,BROTHER!!!!!!!! KAREN
Y
10:38:00 PM
1 Comments:
BB,
It is hard I know....It took me years to reconcile the fact Dad has left us... I know how you feel...
I have tried so hard not to think about CH....But you know I was really lost when I got back after his funeral....I was obsessed about the songs and cried and cried....He is not going to be erased from our minds...he is and will always be there with us....I still cry when I think about him and wished that we can rewind to the time when he was still healthy..but the reality is that we cannot....please don't bottle all your sadness up...talk to us...CH won't want to see you like this..
BELLY
Yr children n wife were at my place on tues. we were so happy to c them. i was sick for a week with cough and diarrhea n they did not want to disturb me. My children played with yr princesses as usual. They were dancing high n low with the HSM at aaron's room. And as usual me n yr wife talk in the room. We were recollecting yr memories when u r still around. i should have let u speak yr mind when i last saw u at my house that afternoon. I really regret i stop u . wat was i thinking? Each time when we talk about u there is always tears. still can't get over everything u know! CH! It look n sound easy but sometimes looking at the wallpaper on my laptop, i will cry again. Anyway, while sending them to the lift, yr little princess came to me and hug n kiss my tummy. she said like daddy one n daddy is inside. suddenly, i feel my eyes was teary. i can never be like u, bro. Iknow u want us to get on with our lives, but for me is gonna take me a long long long time. so b patient with me. i promise u i will go to church n i will. when i know is time i will let u know first okay?
WOAHHHHHHHHHH. how come this year so much food! you guys are gonna have these food for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the next 3 days after the party! better have as much next year too (so that i can eat). hehehe.
RAYMOND TAY C.H. (1968-2008) Portrait of Raymond by his niece, Jo
'REPUBLIC'
Raymond Tay left behind a great legacy and many loved ones who miss him so dearly by the day. Including Mother, Wife, his 1st princess, 2nd princess, Dajie, er-jie, san-jie, baby sister, Brother, 11 nieces (Ctay, CDD, Jo, Pam, Sam, Felly, BaoBao, Hei Mei, Roc, Ray & Becky), 3 nephews (daniel, Aaron & Big Boy) and 1 grandniece (Cady). Here, the people of the "Republic" would propose to post updates on each other lives as well as post whatever memories or thoughts we have about Raymond Tay. We hope that through this we are able to fulfill his wishes, of becoming a closer family unit.